Survivor's Guilt
by UnpredictablyRandomOne
Summary: James needs help. After mistaking Carlos as suicidal, he knows it's time to get it. OneShot Rated a strong T for suicide themes. Please read and review!


First of all, thanks to all of my reviewers for the lovely words on my previous stories, I usually thank you personally but life has been too hectic and I don't have enough time. I'm sorry about that! Just know that I really appreciate each and every one of you. Even if you just read my stories and don't review, thank you for taking the time to do so.

This is definitely one of the hardest things I've ever written. I wrote this way before _Big Time RomeOhh_ but thought it might be too much for some readers so I put it aside. When I wrote _Big Time RomeOhh_, I didn't realize I had written James with this story in mind. It wasn't until one my reviewers, **Ham Atom** (love her by the way) mentioned it. I was going to reply to your review to explain but you don't accept PMs!

So, I am posting this up in reply to **Ham Atom**, who left me my longest review up to date so thanks for that! _This_ is why James was taking it harder than Kendall and Logan and knew what the signs were.

**WARNING**: This will mention suicide and suicide thoughts so please, don't read if it might trigger something. If you need someone to talk to, please do. I'm always here and I'm sure there's always someone willing to help near you, just ask.

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush and am not making any money from this.

* * *

The cold breeze blowing through the cemetery gives him chills but James isn't sure the wheather deserves all the credit. Tightening the coat around him, he slowly walks down the grassy path, careful not to step on any graves. He notices the flowers decorating the final resting place of so many people; some young, some old, some died peacefully while others died tragically. And some, James knows at least one, died by their own hand. Clenching his fists inside his coat pockets, he takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself from losing it.

The previous week, he'd found a suicide letter written by Carlos and although it had turned out to be a homework assignment, the memories of a tragic event flooded his mind. He hadn't been able to go to sleep after a terrible nightmare that night or the ones that followed. The guys had asked him what was wrong but he didn't want to burden them with his pain. This was something he needed to carry by himself. Once Mama Knight had found out about Carlos' note, she'd spoken to him in private, having figured out what was bothering him. She'd figured out it was because of Matt but had no idea how much it had affected him. She had suggested some closure which was why he had taken a plane to Portland, Oregon the very next day. She had offered to come with him but James felt this was something he should go through alone.

It had been a little over nine years since that day but James could remember every detail from the moment he'd woken up to the moment he'd finally closed his eyes before the nightmares had woken him up. Taking another deep breath, he tries to stop his hands from shaking but they seem to have a mind of their own, today. Putting them up to his mouth, he blows hot air into them, deciding to just blame the cold and ignore the fact he is wearing warm gloves. He stops walking when he reaches his destination where a small, praying concrete angel stands over a silver plaque on the ground.

**Matthew Anderson **

**January 10, 1988 - June 14, 2004 **

**Beloved Son Nephew Cousin Friend **

**"I couldn't wait for God to hold me in His arms"**

James drops to his knees, anger coursing through his body. Nine years and he still hadn't forgiven himself.

* * *

_Nine Years Ago_

"James, can you come here, please?" Ten year old James heard his mom ask but knew it was anything but a request. Putting down his hockey stick, he quickly made his way into the kitchen where his mom was waiting with a slight smile and a glass of milk. He took a seat at the table where a dish with freshly baked cookies were waiting to be devoured. James knew something was wrong if his mom was letting him have cookies before dinner. The last time she'd given him cookies before dinner was when she'd told him about her divorce from his dad, two years ago.

"You're not getting another divorce, are you, mom?" Brooke smiled, setting down the glass of milk before taking a seat facing her son.

"Of course, not sweetie. I would have to be married to get a divorce and that is a mistake I will not repeat." James gave her a confused look to which she smiled once more. "You remember your cousin, Matt?" James nodded as he took a bite of his cookie. Matt was his only cousin, the son of his mom's sister. He'd always liked his cousin, Matt was six years older but he didn't treat James like a little kid. They had a lot of fun together when Matt and his mom would come down from Oregon to visit.

"Well, he's going to be staying with us for a few weeks."

"Really?" James asked as cookie crumbs spilled out of his mouth, quickly apologizing at his mom's disapproving stare.

"He's done with school for the summer and your Aunt Maddy thought it would be fun for him to spend some time away from home. Now, you still have a little over three weeks of school so no staying up late, okay?" James nodded with a large grin, his cousin was going to spend the summer with him!

"We're going to have so much fun, mom!" James started to get up but his mom asked him to sit back down, her tone not leaving room for arguement.

"James, he's going to be acting a little... different." Brooke stated a bit hesitant. "It's none of our business so you shouldn't ask him why but he's going to be a little sad."

"Oh. Did something happen?"

James could tell by the look on his mom's face that, yes, something _had_ happened. "You're too young to understand what's going on but yes, something happened to make him sad."

"He can't stay sad for a too long, I'll make sure he gets happy, again."

"It's not that easy, baby. He's not just sad, he's depressed." Depressed? James had heard that word before, it meant someone was really sad but why was his mom talking about it as if it was something really bad?

"He's taking some medicine to get better and Aunt Maddy thinks some time away from Portland might help him even more. I think she's right." Brooke patted his hand. "I know you don't understand everything but I know you'll understand when I tell you not to bother him, okay? That means that Kendall, Logan and Carlos can't come over as much." James nodded. There was no way he was going to make things worse for Matt, James wanted him to get happy, again and he knew his friends would understand.

* * *

James kicked a pebble into the street as he made his way home from school. His friends had stayed for their weekly after school activities; Every Monday Kendall had hockey practice, Logan had his science club meeting and Carlos had his own meeting with drama club. Unfortunately for James, choir was cancelled this week after their teacher accidentally poked his eye with his baton, leaving him temporarily blind. That probably meant no more choir until September. James sighed, his mom wouldn't be home for another hour and Matt would more than likely be in the living room watching tv.

It had been a week since his cousin had arrived and James still couldn't believe how right his mom had been. Matt not only acted different but he also looked like a totally different person. His hair was longer, he had lost weight, he tended to only wear sweats and baggy tshirts and he hardly spoke. James had tried getting him to go out but Matt would just give him a sad smile, tossle his hair then sit on their couch to watch tv until dinner. The Matt he used to know would always be going out, he loved nature and wanted to explore it all.

His mom would constanly remind him to give Matt time to come around but that didn't seem like it would happen any time soon. Which was why James had asked Matt the previous night, even though his mom had told him not to say anything, if there was anything he could do to make him smile, again. Matt had looked at him as if he'd just noticed James for the first time. He'd smiled and for a few hours, he'd acted like the old Matt, happy and carefree. This morning, James had woken up and gotten ready for school, looking forward to some more fun with Matt afterwards but his shoulders had slumped in disappoinment when he saw Matt on the couch again, watching tv.

Pulling out his house key and opening the door, James walked inside, already hearing the tv coming from the living room. Dropping his backpack on the counter, he realized Matt wasn't on the couch. Thinking he was probably in the restroom, James walked into the kitchen to make himself a sandwhich but stopped when he noticed the door leading to the backyard was open. For a split second, he wondered if maybe Matt was back to normal and planning a game but decided not to get his hopes up. He was going to head outside to see if Matt was there when he noticed a piece of paper stuck to the door. He pulled it off, somehow knowing he shouldn't read it but went ahead, anyway.

_I'm so sorry, Aunt Brooke. There's just too much pain and I can't deal with it anymore. I didn't come here planning this, I really didn't and I hope you can somehow forgive me but I think it would be better if mom wasn't the one to find me. I know this will suck for you but my mom wouldn't have been able to handle finding me like this. Please understand that I didn't have a choice. Last night, James asked me if there was anything he could do to make me smile, again and I realized, there wasn't anything anybody could do to make me smile. I realized my life has no purpose, not if I couldn't stop Gina from killing herself. The shrink says it's survivor's guilt and he's probably right but I don't care, I know I don't deserve to live. Tell James I love him and that I'm sorry, I know I caused him pain just seeing how messed up I was. Tell my mom it's not her fault, she did everything she could to help me but I was too far gone. I'm really sorry to everyone I know will hurt but I really had no other choice. Tell them, I couldn't wait for God to hold me in his arms. Goodbye_

James was shaking, he was old enough to understand what this letter meant but too young to understand why anyone would even think about killing themselves. He shoved the letter in his pocket, knowing he should call his mom or the police or even the neighbor about this but he didn't. He also knew he shouldn't step outside but he did. There, right outside the door, was Matt, leaning against the side of the house, staring off into the trees. There was blood around him and James could see his wrists had been cut. He was startled when Matt said his name, he was still alive even though he was almost as white as a sheet.

"You're early. Not your fault. I'm...sorry." He whispered. James watched, frozen on the spot as Matt closed his eyes and took his last breath. He knew he should do something but he couldn't think of anything. Matt had killed himself. He'd run away from life and had left James thinking it was all his fault.

* * *

_Present_

He'd been so upset, James had grabbed his backpack and waited at the arcade for almost an hour before heading back home. He'd lied to everyone and said he'd gone straight to the arcade that day and never mentioned Matt's letter to anyone. He'd made sure _'I couldn't wait for God to hold me in his arms'_ was added to his grave but hadn't told anyone where he'd gotten it from. He was too terrified of what people would do if they found out he was responsible. It was his fault Matt had died, his fault and he needed to suffer in silence. Nobody knew he'd seen his cousin take his dying breath and his mom had been greatful James had been spared the scene, not knowing Matt had spoken to him before passing away. The nightmares, the guilt, it all ate away at him and James had felt he'd deserved everything.

He'd gotten distant from everybody for awhile, worried they'd find out the truth. It wasn't until he realized they would probably be more suspicious if he didn't act normal so he'd acted. He'd acted like he'd accepted his cousin's death and had moved on. Nobody knew he had pushed everything deep down as he continued living with the guilt. After that, each time he'd hear someone mention suicide, he'd fall into a deep depression, feeling guilt all over again. He'd done research and he'd reached the conclusion that he suffered from Survivor's Guilt. He could have asked for help then, but chose to keep quiet, feeling too much shame to save himself from torment. Then, last week when he found Carlos' note, he'd thought everything was happening, again. The guilt had returned with a vengeance, blaming him for Matt as well as Carlos. It had been like a final trigger had set him off and he was now thinking too much about suicide.

James let the tears stream down his face as he cried. If anything had happened to Carlos, he knew he wouldn't have been able to take it. He knew he would have joined him right away, without hesitation. Once everything had been cleared up, he had realized he needed help. James was willing to put his friends through the same thing Matt had put him through and that scared him. A lot. He needed help, he didn't want to end up like Matt. Letting guilt slowly suck away his life until there was nothing left.

Now that he was older, he knew his mom had been wrong to pretend everything was okay. His Aunt Maddy had been wrong to think sending Matt away would help him get better. Nobody knew what to do and had just done what they'd thought best. Which is what James had been doing. Thinking it was _his_ problem to deal with and nobody elses.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I let you down when you needed me the most." James whispered. "I'm so sorry I didn't give Aunt Maddy your message. I'm sorry she never got her goodbye and had to think she could have done more to help. I'm so sorry, Matt." He bowed his head in shame as he continued to sob. If his aunt hadn't passed away a few years ago, he would have told her everything. Now that she was with her son, James really hoped she didn't hate him for keeping it a secret.

"I miss you, Matt. After all this time, I still miss you so much. I'm sorry." James said once he'd stopped crying. He wasn't sure how long he'd sat there when he felt someone's hand on his shoulder.

_"It's going to be okay, James. There's nothing to forgive."_

James looked up in shock, that voice... He quickly stood up, wiping his eyes before looking around but Matt wasn't there. Maybe he'd imagined it but the hand had felt so real, he could have sworn someone had physically touched him. He turned back and wasn't too surprised to see his three best friends walking towards him. They had refused to let him come alone but had agreed to give him some time with Matt while they waited in the car. James figured either time was up or they had gotten too worried. He looked back at the grave, knowing Matt had taken off _some_ of the guilt. The rest would be up to him.

"I need help, Matt. I can't keep waiting for this to consume me like it did to you. I want to live without worrying that I might kill myself every time I hear the word suicide." He turned around to face his friends, he'd suffered long enough and it was time to move on. He just needed to be brave and ask for help.

"I have a confession to make." He knew they'd make sure he had all the help he needed. "And I need help." _Getting through it all. _Knowing his friends, they'd go through everything right by his side.

* * *

So...yea. Let me know what you think. Like I said, this is one of the hardest things I've ever written and there might be some mistakes I missed since I kinda just skimmed through it.

Survivor's Guilt is something terrible to ever go through. It doesn't go away on its own and you can't pretend it doesn't exist, it will hurt you. I had a friend, several years ago, who lived with it for years until she couldn't take it anymore. She kept it hidden really well and everyone that knew her was left in complete shock afterwards. I think if she'd gotten help, she might still be here but now, we'll never know. Again, if you ever need someone to talk to, find someone and talk to them. Know that I'm always here or on twitter at sunnydaisydee Just, don't suffer alone.


End file.
